Where are you?
by BlackMagick
Summary: Jesse's gone...Suze is sad...it's a song-fic...
1. Default Chapter

A/N: This is a Songfic in Suze's POV. It's my first fan-fic, so go easy on me. Anyway, read and review…please? It's set before Twilight by the way.

Oh, the song is by Maroon 5, they rock. I forget the name of the song. I don't own any of the characters, Meg Cabot does. She rocks too.

So…here it is:

_Can you see me_

_Floating above your head_

_as you lay in bed_

_thinking about everything_

_that you did not do _

_cause saying I love you _

_has nothing to do with meaning it_

I wiped a tear away from my face. It was useless since about a million more followed it.

How could he have done that? Just left me like that? Especially after everything he'd said…everything **I'd** said. He had kissed me that night in the graveyard. Kissed me like he loved me. Then he'd said it. Those three little words I'd wanted to hear so much.

I love you.

And then I said it back. And everything was perfect.

For a while. Then he left again.

Its been two weeks and I haven't seen him. I take that back. I saw him once, in Father D's office, but he saw me and mumbled something before dematerializing.

The jerk.

I turned over in bed. It was dark. Lately darkness had been my friend. When I was asleep, I didn't dream. There was nothing.

Nothing was better than my reality. And I had been taking those shifter lessons from Paul. Surprisingly enough, he hadn't pulled anything…yet. I don't know why I bothered to keep taking them. I was so mad at Jesse, let Paul exorcise him. I didn't care.

But I did. Care I mean. I would always care. At least, that's what it felt like.

It was cold in my room, I had opened the window that night. Lately I'd been leaving it closed but I left it open. I had almost forgotten that Jesse wasn't coming back. Jesse.

The one I thought I'd loved.

No. The one I did love.

That would take time to heal. I hated time. Who came up with that anyway? And why had he been avoiding me? He had (much to my pleasure) been kissing me on a fairly regular basis since the graveyard. Why choose now to avoid me?

I heard my window slide shut and my whole body froze. It was pitch black in my room, but I could make out a shape near the corner of my room. The shape moved closer, I lay still, not wanting to move. I felt a warm hand touch my cheek.

"Susannah…" I recognized the voice. But not the emotions behind it. How could one word hold so much emotion? It sounded like…love. But it couldn't be.

"Jesse?"

_And I don't trust you_

_cause every time you're here _

_your intentions are unclear_

The hand that had been caressing my cheek stopped moving and quickly came off my face. And the shape retreated to a corner of the room. But I knew it was him.

I scrambled to my feet and clapped my hands, silently thanking Andy for installing the clap on clap off lights. Jesse was standing in a corner of my room, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"What the heck are you doing here?" Only I didn't say heck. I said a very colorful four letter word that made him blush.

"Don't use such language Susan…" I cut him off.

"Don't you dare tell me what do Jesse," I was hissing the words at him. And fresh tears sprung to my eyes. Tears of confusion and…anger. I realized now. I was angry at him.

For breaking my heart.

_I spend every hour waiting for a phone call_

_that I know will never come_

_I used to think you were the one_

_now I'm sick of thinking anything at all_

"Susannah I'm sorry I didn't…" I cut him off again.

"Your sorry?" My voice, I'm ashamed to say, took on a high pitched sound, and there was nothing I could do to stop it, "Sorry? You could have at least had the guts to tell me to my face that…that…" I stopped. My eyes dropped from his and fell to the floor. Because as I said the next few words, I realized how true they were.

"I…I…that….you could have at least told me that I was just a game to you. A game. You and Paul," my eyes narrowed to slits as I said his name, "but you can't stand to lose can you Jesse? Well congratulations. You've won. You have officially broken my heart and become the biggest asshole I've ever met."

His eyes went wide. His mouth opened. Then shut. Opened again and strange strangled sound escaped his lips. Like he was trying to talk but couldn't. He said, "Susannah…"then he stopped and not because I cut him off. Because there was nothing left to say.

_you ain't ever coming back to me_

_that's not how things were supposed to be_

_you take my hand just to give it back_

_no other lover has ever done that_

I turned and walked to the window seat, curling up in it. Staring at the moon. How dare it shine on so brightly, be so beautiful when there was so much misery inside me. How could it?

I had a flashback to the graveyard. Jesse, his arms wrapped around me, his lips pressed softly to mine.

"I love you."

And I had believed him.

How naive I had been. How stupid.

_do you remember_

_the way we used to melt_

_do you remember how it felt when I touched you_

_oh cause I remember very well_

And that wasn't the worst part. What I said had been the worst part.

"I love you too."

And then I had kissed him again.

But that was then. This was now. Now sucked.

But I could still feel his lips against mine. His body pressed warmly up against me. Warmly. For a ghost.

_and how long has it been_

_since someone you let in_

_has given what I gave to you_

_and at night when you sleep _

_do you dream I would be there_

_just for a minute or two do you?_

And even worse? I still loved him. I thought my love had died. But I was just kidding myself. Why else had I spent every night crying myself to sleep? Because I still loved him.

I craned my neck around too see if he was still there. He was. His eyes were dark. His expression confused.

"Why?" the voice was mine.

"Why what?"

"Why…why did you trick me like that? Lead me on? I want the truth Jesse." I looked into his eyes as I said the last part. "I want the truth."

"The truth quireda?"

"Don't call me that." It was supposed to be strongly said, full of hate. But it came out as barely a whisper. "I'm not your sweetheart."

He looked shocked.

"You, you know what it means?"

I nodded.

_heartache heartache I just have so much_

_a simple love with a complex touch_

Maybe if he were alive things would have been different. But life was like that sometimes. Or death actually. Time—it sucked.

_there is nothing you could say or do _

_I called to let you know I'm through with you_

He walked behind me and touched my shoulder softly. I was convinced there was nothing he could say to make this better. Everything was a disaster.

"The truth quir—Susannah, is that I love you." My body tensed.

"I would never play games with you. I love you." He said it again.

"It's a lie." I whispered back to him turning to the window again, not wanting to face the intensity of his eyes. His dark eyes. So captivating.

"So, you no longer love me? Not even a little?"

"No." Thankfully my voice came out stronger that time. And I sounded angry. But not angry enough.

"I don't believe you." he was right. I was lying. But so was he. Wasn't he?

He slipped his hand to my chin and turned my head to face him.

"Tell me you don't love me. Look in my eyes and say it." His voice was soft, but angry. He was angry that I didn't love him. But I did.

"I can't…take this anymore. It has to stop." I didn't trust him.

_and I don't trust you_

_cause everytime you're here_

_your intentions are unclear_

"What has to stop?"

"You."

He lifted an inky eyebrow. "I have to stop?" He leaned closer to me. Our face was separated by barely a centimeter. So close….he was so perfect…I loved him so, so much…

_I shiver when I hear your name_

_think about you but it's not the same_

His lips pressed against mine. I felt nothing but warmth as he drew me to him, pulling me in a standing position. I wrapped an arm around his neck, I couldn't pull away but, he pulled back.

"Tell me quireda; tell me you don't love me."

"I can't." I said in a normal voice (thank god).

"Why would that be?" His voice was still quiet, knowing.

"Because I do love you

"Good," he whispered the words against my lips. Then kissed me deeply; like he never wanted to stop.

I pulled back, he followed my lips with his but I was remembering.

"Are you going to leave again?"

He looked confused and stopped trying to kiss me.

"I've never left you Susannah," he looked so handsome, his words were so sure, I wanted to believe him. I wanted so badly to believe him.

_immobilized by the thought of you_

_paralyzed by the sight of you_

_hypnotized by the words you say_

_not true but I believe 'em anyway_

"Yes, you did. For two weeks Jesse. You avoided me."

"Oh, that." He didn't look sad though, he looked happy.

Almost too happy. I looked at his face. There was something different about it. No, it was the same handsome face, that was for sure. Same dark hair, the same captivating eyes. I stepped back from him and frowned. Same fabulous six pack, tall build. But something was missing.

My eyes went wide when I realized that he no longer had that weird glow about him. The ghostly glow.

"What the…?"

He took a step forward and whispered into my ear, "I avoided you because I had too." He pulled away just enough to where our noses touched, "I'm alive querida."

"What?" the word came from my lips, unbelieving.

He took my hand in his and placed it over his chest, where his heart was. I felt it. The slow steady rhythm. That was all the conclusion I needed. But there was still one thing…

"Why…why did you have to avoid me?"

He blushed. I raised my eyebrows and he said, "I had too. I couldn't…I wanted it too be a surprise, I needed a lot of research time," he frowned, then looked deep into my eyes, "I never meant too hurt you Susannah. I love you."

I kissed him and for once I was truly happy. I had everything I ever wanted.

Jesse.

In love with me.

And _alive._

A/N: I hope you liked it. I will post a story one of these days...hopefully. If I get around to it. Anyway, push the pretty purple button and review! Please? Pretty please?


	2. AN

Thanks for reviewing! I love rewiews! Reviews are very good, and make me feel less idiotic when they're nice. : )

Right now I'm not going to make it a story, I'm working on my other one—Stolen Identity, which is a full story (in progress). Dum de dum, so read that (please)and thanks for reviewing! Meg C. rules, and I love Jesse. Who doesn't? Unless you happen to be a Paul fan…which I am, on some days…but most of the time, totally Jesse.


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